


Beautifully Ben

by Jace_Diaz_Of_Hell



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Multi, Trans Boy Richie, Trans Girl Ben, ben is on a Journey and I support her, gracefully grayson au!!, no pennywise, richie is only out to the losers, we dont want him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:04:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jace_Diaz_Of_Hell/pseuds/Jace_Diaz_Of_Hell
Summary: She is still chubby; her hair is short. The sweatband keeping her bangs back is a white headband, shimmering with small silver rhinestones. She twirls in the mirror, the skirt of her blue dress swirling out like a bell around her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I read a trans girl Ben au somewhere and really loved it, so I decided to make one of my own. It's based off of a wonderful book called Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonski. If I continue, it will follow similar plotlines. Enjoy reading!

Ben Hanscom lived with his aunt and uncle. His father had died when he was around four in a car accident; his mother had died a few months later, contracting an illness due to overwork and a lowered immune system. His aunt and uncle had taken him in, and his uncle frequently referred to him as the son he never had.

 

Ben tried to ignore the sting that went through his heart at the word _son._ He was already made fun of enough for his weight, he didn't need more things to worry about; so he pushed the truth deep down inside of him, his aunt's voice whispering _this is not the thing a boy does._

 

* * *

 

 

Ben had figured out that if you only drew shapes, no one realized you were drawing a princess. A blue sparkling triangle for a dress, a gold circle for a head, and a red semicircle for hair. As he finished the little doodle he squinted and tried to see it the way a stranger would.

 

It didn't look like a princess. He was safe.

 

And specifically, it didn't look like _her_ to a stranger.

 

Ben glanced up at the aforementioned _her_ , watching the way her hair glowed in the flourescent lighting. It seemed like it was a candle, flickering and shifting with every movement.

 

He had been painfully in love with Beverly Marsh since his family had moved to Derry three years ago. He hadn't ever worked up the courage to talk to her, but that didn't matter.

 

_Not like she'd like you anyways._ His mind whispered, and he pushed the thought away, looking down at his notebook.

 

When he got home, maybe he would draw princesses the way he really wanted to.

 

Short hair, gleaming like fire in the sun and a gown that shimmered like the ocean. Her eyes, green and sharp and aware, and her mouth set in a smile that was both soft and secretive, like she knew something no one else did.

 

And holding her hand, a slightly taller princess, with brown hair that curled down around her chin. A pale purple dress, maybe. Her face would be lit up, because she was happy and not lonely and  _herself._

 

“Mr. Hanscom?Care to answer the question?”

 

That sharp sting of pain again, as he looked up at the board. It wasn't as though he had zoned out, he knew they were discussing the Holocaust. He knew in specific they were discussing the people who tried to help hide Jewish people right now. He knew that Henry Bowers was in the back of the room, not-so-quietly murmuring remarks about the only Jewish kid in the room, Stanley Uris.

 

On the board, the question read  _What would you do if you had an important secret? How would you keep it a secret?_

 

Ben felt a cold shiver drop down his back and immediately chided himself for being anxious.

 

_It's okay. The teacher is just singling you out because you haven't talked yet._

 

The aforementioned teacher was Will Hanlon, history teacher and leader of the drama club. He was the father of Mike Hanlon, who was on the football team and (Ben thought, didn't know) was possibly crushing on either Stan Uris or Bill Denbrough.

 

“If I had a secret,” Ben said slowly, aware his face was turning red, “I would isolate myself. The less people I talked to, the less I would have to worry about people finding out my secret.

 

Mr. Hanlon nodded, solemnly acknowledging the answer before writing it beneath the question on the whiteboard.

 

“Does anyone else know what they would do?”

 

A girl in the back of the room, with short hair and thick glasses stuck her hand up.

 

Ben could hear someone murmuring to her,

 

“You better not get yourself another detention, Trashmouth, or we'll miss hanging out in the Barrens.”

 

At the nickname Trashmouth, Ben remembered. This was Thalia Tozier, who had a notorious habit of running her mouth and subsequently being hated by most of the teachers and student body.

 

“Yes, Ms. Tozier?”

 

Ben wasn't sure if he was imagining things, but he thought a flicker of some negative emotion flashed through “Trashmouth” Tozier's eyes at the _Ms._

 

Her eyes met Ben's and she spoke, for once not doing an impression, her face completely solemn.

 

“If I had a secret I thought was important, I'd do the opposite and surround myself with people. Make everyone think I had nothing to hide.”

 

Mr. Hanlon wrote the other answer down on the board.

 

“So, we have two strategies here- _isolating_ yourself to avoid suspicion; and surrounding yourself to avoid suspicion. Class is dismissed, but tomorrow we'll discuss the pros and cons of each one.”

 

As soon as Mr. Hanlon finished his sentence the bell rang. Ben got to his feet and picked up his backpack, shouldering it and waiting to slide out the door before Bowers or the gang could make fun of him yet again.

 

He went to his locker and got out his books, and passed by Thalia in the hall. She was wearing a baggy band shirt and holding hands with- Eddie, that was the boy's name, Ben thought.

 

“So, Bill and Stan are going to meet us down in the Barrens, Chie.” Eddie was saying, and Thalia nodded, her eyes lighting up at the last word. And then her eyes met Ben's.

 

For a moment Ben was overwhelmed with anxiety at the sheer _knowledge_ in her eyes, but then she just shot him a grin.

 

“Have a nice day, Haystack.” She said, putting on some accent Ben thought was supposed to be southern.

 

Ben nodded and mustered up a smile.

 

“You too, Tozier.”

 

With that, Thalia looked pleased. She grabbed Eddie's arm and took off down the hallway.

 

Ben stood in his tracks for a moment, watching the pair disappear from view. He wasn't sure how he could pinpoint it, but somehow, everything had shifted.

 

Somehow, things were going to change, and they were going to change _fast._

 

 

* * *

 

Ben shut the door to his room, slumping against it for a moment. He would be safe for now; his aunt was getting groceries and his uncle was still at work.

 

He went to his desk and smiled down at the architecture blueprint for the dam he had on there for a moment; he would have to work on it later, when he didn't have to worry about people barging in on him drawing.

 

He slid open one of the desk drawers, heart twisting painfully.

 

The first one was a pencil drawing of a girl he had made last week. Her face was round and pale, her hair wavy and curling towards her chin. There was a distant look of dreaming in the girl's eyes, and hope.

 

Ben smiled at the picture before glancing into the mirror, almost immediately wishing he hadn't. Then he wouldn't have seen his plain hoodie and his blue slacks.

 

He closes his eyes for a moment ( _wishing, imagining)_ and when he opens them, _she_ is there.

 

_She_ is still chubby; her hair is short. The sweatband keeping her bangs back is a white headband, shimmering with small silver rhinestones.  _She_ twirls in the mirror, the skirt of  _her_ blue dress swirling out like a bell around her. 

 

Ben knows this vision won't last forever; Ben's imagination is getting more difficult, and  _she_ will be gone by dinnertime. 

 

But for now, Ben watches as  _she_ sits at his desk and starts on a new picture, weaving a story together of a princess who lives in a small castle with her parents. Her parents know the truth of her and love her all the more because of it; and the princess is in love, and loved in return.

 

Ben hears the door slam and the sound of Aunt Jessica's voice and stands to go unload groceries. Before leaving, Ben looks in the mirror, his face falling.

 

Once again,  _she_ is gone, and Ben doesn't feel so right or perfect anymore.

 

He sighs, takes off his sweatband, and heads downstairs.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Ben is sitting in his seat in Mr. Hanlon's class, waiting for the teacher to arrive when Bowers and his gang approaches.

  
“Hey, Benny.” Henry says. Ben shakes out the sleeves of his sweatshirt and focuses on taking out his notebook, trying to seem smaller than he is. He closes his eyes for a moment, imagining long, trailing sleeves edged with lace.  “Not going to talk to us?”

  
Ben raises his eyes, meeting Henry's evenly, working out what he could say without having Henry bully him.

  
“He's not gonna talk to you because he's gonna be talking to me all day!” 

  
Henry turns around to see Thalia Tozier grinning, slipping between him and Ben's desk. Ben looks up at her, hoping his gratitude shows in his eyes.

  
“Oh?” Says Henry, raising an eyebrow. “You wanna fool around with the fat boy?”

  
“Mm, no.” Thalia says, shooting Ben a grin. “Sorry, but the only one I'd fool around with is m'darling Eds over there.”

  
“Fuck off, Trashmouth.” Eddie Kaspbrak shoots back, and the few kids in the classroom laugh.

  
“C'mon, Haystack, you're sitting with us today.” Thalia says, offering Ben her hand. Ben takes her hand, and grabs his notebook and follows her back to their mashup of desks- seating arrangements must have changed. 

  
Once everyone is settled, Ben shoots a smile at Thalia.

  
“Thanks, Tozier. I couldn't think of a thing to say that wouldn't end with me getting beat up.” He says.

  
“Oh, no problem. I hate that fucker, he broke Eds's arm a year ago.” Thalia says lightly. “But he won't beat me up 'cause he thinks he'd get in trouble for hitting a girl.”

  
“My name is Eddie.” Hisses the smaller boy, pulling his history book out and slamming it down. “Or are you too busy making up jokes to remember that?”

  
Thalia slapped her hand on her knee, grinning. 

  
“And my man gets off a good one!”

  
“Not your man, Trashmouth.” Eddie mutters, scowling at his notebook. He's turned pink, though, so Ben pipes up, friendly but teasing.

  
“Methinks the boy doth protest too much.”

  
Eddie flipped him off, Thalia howled with laughter and Ben heard a laugh behind him. His brain short-circuited as she pulled out the seat next to him, plopping down.

  
“Good one, Ben.” She says, smiling, and Ben's heart nearly stops. 

  
_Beverly Marsh is smiling at me._

  
  
He smiles back and shrugs, fully aware he's now blushing. Eddie opens his mouth- maybe to tease Ben now, and Thalia elbows him and shuts him up. 

  
One by one, more people come to sit at their group- Stanley Uris, the Jewish kid; Bill Denbrough, the boy with the slowly improving stutter; and Mike Hanlon, the football player and son of the history teacher. Their table of seven is full. 

  
Introductions are made- Eddie and Thalia are best friends and practically an item; Beverly and Thalia are smoking buddies; Bill and Stan are boyfriends; Mike and Ben meet in the library sometimes. 

  
And then Mr. Hanlon strides in to start class, and everyone shuts up to pay attention. 

  
Mr. Hanlon passes out two books; _Jacob's Rescue_ and _The Diary of Anne Frank._

  
“Over the next few weeks we're going to be examining two accounts of Holocaust victims. One, _The Diary of Anne Frank_ ,is Anne Frank's diary herself. She doesn't make it out alive. _Jacob's Rescue_ is a story about an actual survivor, written as though it's a fictional tale. We're going to be reading and drawing comparisons between the two novels.”

  
Ben pushes his sweatband up on his head, smiling. For once, a group has chosen him. 

* * *

  
When he gets outside, someone yells behind him.

  
Thalia runs up to him, clapping him on the shoulder.

  
“Eddie Spaghetti was taken to the doctor by his Mom for his bi-weekly checkup, do you mind if I walk with ya?”

  
Ben simply stares at the girl, shocked. Someone wants to walk home with him?

  
Once he gets past this idea, he grins shyly. He's aware his hair is longer than it usually is; he knows that the sweatband on his head looks more like a headband.

  
His sweatshirt is large, and dark purple.

  
It's the closest to comfortable he can get.

  
“Sure, I don't mind. Makes the walk more interesting, at least.”

  
Thalia's face lights up for a moment before turning back to her normal mischevious expression. 

  
“Haystack, a walk with Trashmouth Tozier is _nevah_ boring.”

  
It's that awful southern accent again, but Ben laughs. It feels like he's making a friend. 

  
Trashmouth keeps her promise. The whole way to her home she talks a mile a minute- about Eddie, about her impersonations, about random video games she likes to play.

  
Ben lets himself be swept up in the chatter until they get to her house. It's a well enough looking house, but Thalia squares her shoulders like she's heading into a warzone. 

  
“Well, I'll see you later, Haystack.”

  
“See you later, Trashmouth.” Ben says, waving at her. She grins back and offers him a sharp salute before turning on her heel and going into the house.  
  


* * *

  
  
Ben is lying on his bed again, trying to imagine his bed with a pink bedspread.

  
Downstairs he can hear quiet murmuring of his aunt and uncle, but neither of them bothers to check in on him. It makes Ben feel odd, and the already heavy feeling in his stomach threatens to overwhelm him.

  
Does he even really matter?

* * *

  
  
He's still lying on his bed an hour later, in a sort of half-asleep melancholy when Thalia calls.

  
“Ben, sweetheart, there's a _girl_ on the phone!” His aunt Jessica calls. 

  
Ben stands up, glancing in the mirror, and relaxes slightly. Right now his imagination is working, and there's a girl in the mirror, wearing a light purple blouse with trailing sleeves. 

  
He picks up the phone, wondering who it could be. 

  
“Haystack, my _man_!” Thalia whispers into the phone. “I can't talk loud, my mom's passed out on the couch an' my dad is drinkin' in the kitchen. Do you wanna go to the thrift store with me tomorrow?”

  
Ben can't help but be confused by Thalia's sudden offers, but he grins. 

  
“Sure, Trashmouth.” He says quietly. “Which one are we going to?”

  
“Secondhand Rose, Secondhand Clothes.” Thalia says promptly. “No one gives a fuck what you buy there, so I really like it. We can go right after school.”

  
“Works for me.” Ben said, knowing that his aunt and uncle were both working late the next day. “ Looking forwards to it.”

  
“So 'm I, Haystack.” Thalia says lightly. “See ya later, alligator.”

  
“In a while, crocodile.” Ben says as he hangs up. Then he goes to tell his aunt and uncle that, for the first time ever, he has plans to hang out with a friend.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
Thalia's right. 

  
The people in Secondhand Rose, Secondhand Clothes really _don't_ give a fuck what you look at.

  
When Ben and Thalia enter the store, the cashier doesn't even look at them. Thalia, surprisingly, makes a beeline for the boy's clothes.

  
Ben browses through the boys clothes while Thalia holds up loose-fitting band shirts to her chest. When she sees Ben looking she grins.

  
“Perverts don't look at'cha if they can't tell whether or not you have a good rack.” She says in explanation. Ben shrugs, smiling.

  
“I just assumed you like rock bands.”

  
Thalia laughs.

  
“That, too. Listen, Haystack, why don't you buy something you actually _like_? I can see it's sucking your soul out to look at these clothes.”

  
Ben nods and smiles before wandering. Trying not to be too obvious, he gradually wanders over to the girl's shirts.

  
The quality of the fabric there overwhelms him, but in the end he doesn't choose a shirt from the girl's section. It feels too risky. With his luck, Henry Bowers would walk into the store just in time to see him handing over the shirts.

  
He chooses a somewhat androgynous three-quarter sleeve shirt- its lightest blue and white. And then, when he's at the cash register, he buys a necklace.

  
It's on a long, thin silver chain, and its a piece of rose quartz shaped like a rosebud, just starting to open.

  
Thalia shows up with an armful of shirts and a leather bracelet. He grins approvingly at the sight of the necklace, and helps Ben fasten it on.

  
Feeling the rosebud under his shirt and the cool chain around his neck, Ben feels like things are starting to look a little more right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact, Jacob's Rescue was one of my favorite books as an 8 year old.
> 
> Also, deviating from plot a bit because I want Ben to realize who she is sooner.
> 
> Next chapter- Derry's putting on a play!
> 
> I was thinking Hamilton. Suggest plays you could see Ben as the lead girl in!!


	3. Three

After that day, it appears that Thalia's decided to make Ben her new best friend. She shows up at his locker every day, holding Eddie's hand and greeting Ben with a loud “Hey, Haystack!”

 

Surprisingly, the nickname Haystack doesn't feel like an insult to Ben, and he knows Thalia doesn't mean it as one. It's also not something forced onto him, like his uncle's well-meant _son._ So he grins and responds with “What's up, Trashmouth?”  because he knows Thalia sees her nickname the same way. It's not something forced; it's something chosen, and that matters.

 

Other than Thalia, the others at their table don't really talk to Ben that much. Eddie will trade sarcastic banter; Bill grins at the doodles in the margins of Ben's notebooks. Occasionally Beverly will ask how he's doing and smile at him, and Ben will have a mini-heart attack and lose the ability to speak.

 

He's lying on the bed again, a book about architecture on his stomach, when his aunt comes in, holding a series of envelopes.

 

“Ben?” She questions softly, maybe wondering if he's fallen asleep, but Ben sits up.

 

“Yes, Aunt Jess?”

 

She shuffles her feet awkwardly and smiles.

 

“I know that I didn't know your mother Arlene too well, but Sean did, and he loved her as though she was his born sister and not an in-law.” Ben nods; he can remember a handful of anniversaries of his parent's deaths when Sean, in the middle of the night, would cry for lost family.

 

“Anyways, I was cleaning out the attic and I found this.”

 

She thrusts a cardboard box into his arms, and Ben looks at her inquisitively.

 

“It's some of your mother's things.”

 

Ben's eyes widen and he grins gratefully, hugging the box closer.

 

“Auntie- thank you.”

 

There's tears in his eyes and he doesn't know how she'll ever know the amount of gratitude swimming in his chest, but she smiles.

 

“You're welcome, Benny.”

 

She hesitates just a moment before leaving the room, and Ben immediately pulls the tape off of the box.

 

He's dimly aware that he's crying, but that doesn't matter right now. What matters is that a box of his mother's things is right in front of him. That he can maybe learn more about who she was.

 

There are packets full of photos, which Ben sets aside for when he stops crying. There are books his mother used to read ( _Flowers in the Attic_ and _My Sweet Audrina_ are two of them; Ben has a distant memory of his mother curled up and reading, him snuggled against her side at the end of a long day.

 

And then there's a small pack of letters, tied with twine. The return address reads _Arlene Hanscom;_ the other address reads _Roxanne Miles._ Ben remembers that this is his grandmother's name on his mother's side.

 

He takes the letter that was sent shortly before his mother's death and opens the envelope with shaking hands.

 

A picture falls out of the envelope, folded in half.

 

Ben picks it up and unfolds it, immediately dropping it on the bed again.

 

It's him in the picture.

 

He's maybe three years old. His hair is long and curly, and there's a bright, gap-toothed grin on his three year old face.

 

But that's not what amazes him. What amazes him is this:

 

One, the tiara perched on his head.

 

Two, the frilly pink tutu he's wearing.

 

Three, the toy purse in one hand, and a fairy wand in the other hand.

 

He stares at this photo for a long time, tears spilling down his face, two words coming to the forefront of his mind.

 

_They knew._

 

Once he can absorb the image of his three year old self, he unfolds the letter.

 

_Mom,_

_I think you're absolutely right, despite what Sean's wife Jessica may think._

_If Benjamin insists he's a girl, what right do we have to tell him no? All we can do is support him and let him do these things._

_If he really wants to grow up as a girl, I better get thinking of names, though! There are so many to choose from!_

_Maybe I'll call him Mina, if he makes up his mind to be a girl. Mina's not too far from Benjamin, right?_

_In any case, have this photo! Doesn't she look so beautiful?_

The  world grew dark around Ben, his head filling with a strange rushing noise. He was pretty sure he had just fainted, but at any rate, the words whispered in his head.

 

_Doesn't she look so beautiful?_

_Doesn't she?_

It's a long time before Aunt Jessica comes to check on Ben.

 

Ben tucks the letters back into the box reverently, stowing it in a special place in his closet- the place he reserves for the most important things.

 

And the photo he picks up gently, pinning it to the wall in his room.

 

A little girl grins out of the photo at him, and he tears up, grinning and feeling, for the first time in a while, that everything is perfect. That he's on the way to finding who he's meant to be.

 

* * *

 

Ben's spent the weekend skulking around his house. His uncle had business meetings and he didn't want his aunt to find out about the bright kernel of hope in his heart, so he said nothing about it.

 

Thalia couldn't go to Secondhand Rose, Secondhand Clothes with him because her mother and father were both hungover and needed a nurse.

 

He's spent the weekend without talking, and he feels a bit like he's invisible, like he's disappearing.

 

So when he sees a list of tryouts coming up for _Heathers,_ he pauses and thinks about it.

 

 _._ Of course he's heard the musical; he got curious about it one day and looked it up. He loves plays, loves musicals and _Heathers_ was an especially fun one. His other classmates names are written on the audition sheet- tablemates one after the other: _Stanley Uris, Mike Hanlon, Thalia Tozier..._ and in neat cursive, _Beverly Marsh._

 

So Ben picks up the pen after _Bill Denbrough_ and writes _Benjamin Hanscom_ in neat block letters.

 

Later, Thalia claps him on the shoulder between classes.

 

“Haystack, I saw your name on the audition sheet! Who're you trying out for?”

 

Ben didn't know he had made a decision, but his mouth opens without consulting his brain first.

 

“Veronica.”

 

The word is barely whispered, and he glances at Thalia to see the inevitable disgust on her face. Instead, there's a look of pride so intense he has to look away or he'll cry.

 

As the class bell rings, Thalia whispers back,

 

“I'm trying out for JD.”

 

Ben grins at Thalia, who returns his grin.

 

And two kids, two friends who know the truth of each other but don't quite have the courage to speak it yet, go into history together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6.4.2018  
> EDITS HAVE BEEN MADE; THE LOSERS CLUB IS NO LONGER PERFORMING HAMILTON. INSTEAD, A PRODUCTION OF HEATHERS IS BEING PUT ON.


	4. Chapter 4

When audition time rolls around, Ben and Thalia are both nervous wrecks. Thalia keeps tugging on her hair, talking consistently in one of her infamous Voices. Ben grows stiller and quieter, imagining all the things that could happen if someone takes this the wrong way.

 

For a moment he wants to take a breath, change his mind and audition for a coach.

 

Then he thinks again.

 

_I **have** to do this. It doesn't matter what the others think._

His hand drifts to the necklace, holding the rosebud tight as though its a talisman.

 

Bill and Mike go on stage together, cracking up the crowd with their rendition of _Blue._

 

Eddie goes next and Thalia wolf whistles. Eddie flips her off before going into a stunning rendition of _Lifeboat.  
_

 

They call Ben up next.

 

Palms sweating as he approaches the stage, he closes his eyes for a moment. The world is dark, and he can introduce his own rules, just for a moment. He already knows which song he's going to sing.

 

 _You loved him so much, despite the person you knew he was._ Ben thinks, trying to get into the character's mood.

“Who are you auditioning for?” Asks the woman at the piano.

 

Ben flashes a grin; he feels as if a mirror was near _she_ would be there- like she'd be wearing a blue dress, maybe, with a sparkling headband.

 

“Veronica Sawyer. I'll be singing _Seventeen_.”

 

There's a moment of silence; Ben looks over at his tablemates to judge the various reactions. Richie looks so proud, Eddie is wearing a look of dawning realization; Beverly looks surprised. Not one of them look disgusted or offended.

 

“Seventeen.” Says Will Hanlon, smiling faintly. “That's a good choice- lots of emotion to it.”

 

Ben closes his eyes again and the piano starts playing. When he sings, his voice comes out as a sweet tenor.

 

“ _Fine! We're damaged, really damaged, but that does not make us **wise.** We're not  **special,** we're not **different** , we don't choose who lives or dies..._ _”_

Over the course of the song he's no longer Ben Hanscom. Its as though for a moment he's truly Veronica, trying to convince JD that they can be enough for each other, that they don't need to play God.

 

When he gets off the stage, he passes Beverly Marsh. She stops on her way up the aisle and pulls Ben into a fierce hug.

 

“You're so _beautiful.”_ She whispers. Ben is blushing, feeling tears in his eyes. He hugs Beverly back for a moment before stepping away; There is a fierceness to her that he can't quite describe, only knowing its directed about him.

 

“Thank you.” He whispers back, before sitting next to Thalia. She reaches over and grabs his hand, squeezing tight. There is a silent pride in her stature, and Ben glows because of it.

 

Beverly throws her shoulders back when she gets to the stage. She auditions as Chandler and does beautifully, singing _Candy Store_.

 

And then Thalia goes up to the stage. Ben can see her fingers shaking, so he gives her a subtle thumbs up.

 

“I'll be singing JD's song Freeze Your Brain.” She informs the piano lady. Applause erupts from the tablemates; the other auditioners are silent.

 

“ _I've been through ten high schools, they start to get blurry, no point planting roots cause you're gone in a hurry..._ _”_

 

When Thalia sings, Ben no longer sees the girl with the hacked-short curls; she's been harder and harder to see, and now she's gone. Instead Ben sees Thalia for the person she is; a lonely, tired boy.

 

After the audition, Will Hanlon passes everyone sheets of paper.

 

“We'll be choosing if you get the roles or not in the next week, but in the meantime I want you to read over these questions. Really think about them.”

 

Thalia grabs Ben as they leave, slinging an arm around Ben's shoulders.

 

“Well, Haystack, we did great!” She says, grinning brightly. “Want to go to Secondhand Rose, Secondhand clothes this weekend to celebrate?”

 

“Absolutely!” Ben replies, then lowers his voice. “ Maybe you could help me pick out another necklace or something?”

 

Thalia beams, running a hand through her short curls and nodding. “You won't regret it, I promise. I'll find the-”

 

“Look at the two _queers!”_ Shouts Henry Bowers, and Ben wilts, shrinking into himself. Thalia on the other hand squares her shoulders and spreads her feet slightly, just enough to make herself appear bigger.

 

“It's 2018, Bowers. Grow the fuck up.”

 

Henry's eyes narrow at her and then another voice speaks up.

 

“H-hey, T-t-trashmouth, Ben, w-we're over h-here!”

 

Ben relaxes, his shoulders slumping as they turn to face Bill and the others.

 

“Go join your fucking Losers Club!” Yells Henry behind them. “I'll get you later!”

 

Ben knows he should be afraid, but with Thalia's arm around his shoulders and the five people waiting for them, it's just too hard to.

 

“The Loser's Club.” Thalia says with a barking laugh. “I like that. I like that a lot.”

 

They join the others under the shade of a large tree; Beverly pats the ground next to her for Ben to sit and he nearly stops breathing. He sits down by her, blushing slightly but grinning at her.

 

“So, Haystack.” Thalia says; her voice sounds casual, but there's an underlying current of nervousness. “When its just us Losers, my name is Richie. And... my pronouns are _he_ and _him.”_

 

Ben stares at Richie before grinning.

 

“Okay, Richie.” He says. “I'll keep that in mind. Now, are we going over Mike's Dad's questions?”

 

It's like Ben has passed some sort of test, he thinks; the other kids relax, and Richie pushes his coke bottle glasses up on his nose and beams.

 

“Sho thing, Haystack!”

 

Mike rolls his eyes but smiles, unfolding the paper his Dad gave them.

 

“There's not much on here. The first question is ' _What do you already know about your character? What do you need to learn?'_ “

 

Ben pulled out a notebook and a pencil and started to write down what he thought he knew about Veronica. Then Mike spoke again.

 

“Second question. _'What do you already know about yourself?'”_

 

_What do you already know?_

 

Ben inhales, exhales. Richie is watching with a careful expression, as though he can see the truth of Ben finally rising to break the surface.

 

Ben turns to his notebook and writes in cursive, carefully, wanting this truth to be readable.

 

**_I am a girl._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6.4.2018  
> EDITS HAVE BEEN MADE; THE LOSERS CLUB IS PUTTING ON HEATHERS NOW INSTEAD OF HAMILTON


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! It's me back again after three months. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH THO BEN AND RICHIE ARE TRANS AND GAYS
> 
> ALSO!!! VERY IMPORTANT- PREVIOUS CHAPTERS HAVE UNDERGONE EDITING, THE LOSERS ARE NOW PERFORMING HEATHERS

Ben decided that her family should be the first ones to know.

 

After all, her mother had known before anyone else. And, if anyone was going to accept her, it would be her family, right?

 

She waited until dinnertime, hovering in the doorway and nervously pulling her rosebud necklace from its hiding place under her shirt. The table was all set and her aunt was hauling in the food.

 

 _Now or never, Ben._ She thought to herself, moving to sit at the table.

 

Her aunt and uncle didn't notice anything different about her. It was and wasn't a surprise- on one hand it wasn't like she had suddenly started wearing dresses the way she wanted to, but on the other hand she felt so _different_ than she had just that morning.

 

She waited until her aunt and uncle were done talking about their days before clearing her throat.

 

"I have something to tell you guys." She said.

 

One of her hands came up to hold onto the rosebud necklace as her aunt and uncle- the closest thing to parents she had ever remembered- looked at her expectantly.

 

"I'm not a boy." She said, watching their faces closely.

 

Confusion from both of them. Then dawning knowledge in Uncle Sean's eyes. Happiness following it.

 

Aunt Jess, however...

 

"Benjamin, what do you mean? Of course you're a boy."

 

Ben swallowed her anxiety and lifted her chin.

 

"Just Ben, Auntie. And... I'm transgender. I'm a girl."

 

She didn't like the dismissal in her Aunt's eyes.

 

"Oh, sweetheart, I thought we got past this phase when you were four. You used to call yourself a girl then, too, until we explained how it wasn't right. Do we _really_ need to go back to that?"

 

Ben shouldn't have been surprised, but she was.

 

"Aunt Jess, this _isn't_ a phase." She said, trying to remain calm. "I'm a girl. I've felt this way for years. I'm always going to feel this way."

 

Aunt Jess shook her head.

 

"No, this is just a fad. It'll pass. And if not, I know a good counselor who-"

 

Ben was surprised by the wave of anger that washed over her as she slammed her utensils down, standing.

 

"Aunt Jess, _there is nothing wrong with me._ And until you're ready to see things my way, I don't want to be here."

 

She left the dining room and grabbed her jacket, yanking it on.

 

" _Young man, you list-"_

 

Ben cut her off, holding up a hand.

 

"Young _lady_ , Auntie. " She said. "And don't worry. I have some friends who will be more than happy to let me stay over."

* * *

  _Ben_  to  _The Loser's club_

 **Ben:** Is anyone willing to let me stay for a while?

 

 **Ben:** I got into a fight with my Aunt and I don't feel welcome anymore.

 

_Several people are typing..._

 

 **Bev:** what happened ben?

 

 **bitchy richie:** you don't want to stay at my house its a mess

 

 **billiam:** are you ok?

 

 **stan the man:** You could come and stay at my house, I just asked my parents.

 

 **ben:** oh THANK GOD thank you stan

 

 **ben:** i'll tell you guys about it some other time

 

 **ben:**  this is the sort of thing i want to talk about in person.

 

 **eds:** okay ben, we're here when you want.

 

_trashmouth tozier to stan the man_

 

 **trashmouth:** hey stan, can i come over?

 

 **trashmouth:** i think i know what this is all about

 

 **stan the man:** the only time you aren't welcome is when bill and  mike are over.

 

 **stan the man:** and i think i know too.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**stan the man created a group chat**

 

 **stan the man named the group chat** _help ben_

  
  


**stan the man added billiam, bitchy richie, bev, eds and mike n ike**

  
  


**stan the man:**  hey everyone

  
  


**stan the man:** ben is here and emotional

  
  


**stan the man:** i think you should all come over ben obviously needs all of us to support him

  
  


**eds:** ok, I'll tell my mom, she won't mind as long as its you.

  
  


**bitchy richie:** i'm halfway there already

  
  


**mike n ike:** dads giving me a ride over!!

  
  


**billiam:** oh fuck yes i'm on my way

  
  


**billiam:** georgie's having a sleepover and there's eleven year old gremlins everywhere

  
  


**stan the man:** bev?

  
  


**bev:** just talked to my aunt i'm on the way.

  
  


**stan the man:** good someone text the main chat.

  
  


_Bev to The Loser's Club:_

  
  


**bev:** hey ben we're all sleeping over tonight and that's final

  
  


**ben:** won't you guys get in trouble?

  
  


**bev:**  WE'RE ALL SLEEPING OVER TONIGHT AND THAT'S FINAL

  
  


**ben:** ok ok thanks guys

  
  


* * *

When Richie arrived, Ben was sitting on the couch, staring at her phone, which was perched on the coffee table.

  
  


Richie crossed in front of Ben's eyesight, probably to let her know he was there. He picked up Ben's phone and stared at the screen for a minute, seeing the _ten missed calls_ notification and the incoming call from Ben's aunt. Then Richie silenced Ben's phone and flipped it over, setting it back down.

  
  


Only after that did he sit next to Ben. Ben looked over at him and saw that Richie _knew._

  
  


Richie held open his arms and Ben hugged him immediately, tears welling up in her eyes as the emotions finally hit overload.

  
  


It felt like a few short minutes later that Ben was pulling away, feeling semi-under control, just as Beverly walked in.

  
  


She flashed a grin at Ben and Ben managed a smile back, her face immediately heating up.

  
  


"I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt." She said, holding up a grocery bag in her hands. "I brought chips, oreos, and mountain dew. Nothing better than a caffeine rush to help when something shitty happens."

  
  


Ben laughed, wiping tears out of her eyes.

  
  


"Thanks, Bev. And if that's true, then I'm definitely going to need some caffeine."

  
  


"That's what I thought." Beverly said firmly, setting down the bag on the table. Richie slid down the couch, making room for Beverly, who plopped down right next to Ben, passing her one of the bottles of Mountain Dew.

  
  


Ben unscrewed it, taking a swig as Bill and Eddie walked in, Mike shortly behind them.

  
  


Eddie crossed the room to perch on the arm of the couch next to Richie, his eyes on Ben.

  
  


"Are you okay?" He asked.

 

  
Ben shook her head, her hands in her lap.

 

"I love my Aunt." She said slowly. "And I believe she loves me. She just... doesn't understand who _I_ am, and until she understands, I don't think I can go back to her."

 

Eddie gave Ben a small half-smile and Ben remembered that, because Eddie was gay, he probably knew exactly how she felt. His mother was _far_ worse than Ben's Aunt.

 

"Well, who are you?"

 

Ben looked over at Richie, who smiled brightly, and Ben somehow found the courage to speak.

 

"I'm a girl."

  
  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter and i'm sorry for it!!
> 
> the world needs more of richie and ben being friends and i'm here to provide
> 
> we're finally gonna get into benverly!!
> 
> also stan, bill and mike are boyfriends
> 
>  
> 
> follow me at allenscreaming.tumblr.com so i have an excuse to post more than reblog bait


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long delay!!! I've been pretty depressed, and if you follow me on my Tumblr (allenscreaming) you'll know I'm trying to get out of a really bad situation.

Silence, for the longest time. Ben started to fidget as the silence went on, a tight ball of anxiety beginning to build in her chest. 

 

_ Don't be ridiculous,  _ she scolded herself.  _ They know Richie is trans and they love him too, don't they? They're just trying to find the right words. _

 

Knowing it was being ridiculous didn't get rid of her anxiety. She was about half a second away from tears when, unexpectedly, Beverly threw her arms around the girl.

 

Bev gave nice hugs, Ben thought. They were tight and warm and full of love. And then it hit that  _ Beverly Marsh  _ was hugging her and her face turned bright red.

 

She hugged Bev back, closing her eyes. This was the one thing that felt right in this horrible afternoon.

 

After a long moment, Beverly pulled away, resting her palms in Ben's hands for a moment.

 

“You're a beautiful girl, Ben Hanscom.”

 

Ben didn't think she would be able to reply. She didn't know what she  _ could  _ say, without dissolving into tears or blushing and stammering so hard she resembled Bill.

 

Richie broke the silence with a wolf-whistle and a Voice.

 

“Ah say, tha's got ta be the most ro- _ mantic  _ thing Ah've evah seen! Now, you two got ta go in for the  _ kees!” _

 

Ben laughed, ignoring the spark of disappointment as Beverly pulled away, shooting a playful glare and a “beep beep” at Richie.

 

Richie chuckled and shrugged playfully before he turned to Ben, suddenly serious.

 

“I'm proud of you, Haystack.” He said, smiling. “And, I hope you know, I have a shit ton of makeup for you to use.”

 

Ben grinned and opened her mouth to answer, but Mike interceded.

 

“Do you still want to go by Ben?” He asked, his tone curious.

 

Ben stopped, thinking about it for a moment.

 

“For right now, I think so. Eventually I might change my name, but realizing I'm trans… that's a big change for me already. I don't think I'm ready for any more.”

 

At Mike's side, Bill nodded.

 

“H-have y-y-you thought of any n-names yet?” He asked, and Ben grinned.

 

“I don't even have to think about one.” She said, her tone soft. “My mom… she knew about me before she died. If she had lived I would have gotten to grow up as a girl. And… she would have called me Mina.”

  
  


Stan smiled wryly, hands on his knees.

 

“Mina Hanscom has quite the nice ring to it.” He said, then pushed himself to his feet. “I'm going to go order us pizza. Does anyone have a request?”

 

“Mushrooms!” Ben called and Stan raised a hand, acknowledging her.

 

At her side, Eddie leaned over and tapped her hand.

 

“Hey, Ben?” He asked, his tone soft, almost nervous. 

 

“What's up, Eddie?”

 

Her friend smiled, and pulled Ben into a short hug.

 

“I'm glad you trust us enough to tell us.” 

 

Ben hugged him back, a warm feeling rising in her heart. Never before had she had so many people who cared about her. Never before had she felt so accepted.

 

“Of course I trust you.” She said, a smile slipping over her face. “You guys are my family.”

 

_ And you're better than Aunt Jess,  _ she thought, shaking her head slightly to clear it. She didn't want to think about Aunt Jess. She didn't want to feel the need to look at the phone and see all the missed calls. She didn't want to remember her aunt had suggested conversion therapy. 

 

As if knowing what she was thinking, Richie stole Ben's phone and slid it in his pocket. Bev rummaged around in her purse before pulling out a smaller pouch, moving to sit in front of Ben.

 

“Close your eyes. I've always wanted to do someone's makeup, and I never had a girl friend before.”

 

Ben closed her eyes, a wave of peace almost overwhelming her.

 

_ I'm home. _

 


End file.
